Queen of Pentacles

The weather has been completely unforgiving this week.  It’s the low desert so I’m used to blazing heat, but this summer has been all about being humid and swampy as fuck.  Needless to say it’s Iced Everything weather.  However, my pantry, fridge and freezer are all basically empty, so I splurged on a smoothie this morning on the way to work.  While I was waiting for the raw vegan hippie to make my breakfast, I drew the Queen of Wands.  I also drew a blank.

Honestly, it’s not like I don’t get the court cards; I’m pretty sure I do.  It’s just that when I pull one of them on their own, I have trouble placing it in my life.  And it was the same today.

So later I’m expecting a research faculty to come visit (I’m a librarian) so I can help her work with print indexes.  And as I was clearing off a desk and pulling the relevant years for her, I realized that working with print indexes and abstracts is totally pentacles work in that it’s about the physical realm.  The young folks (we call them “digital natives” when we’re trying not to sound like grumpy old folks) have no idea what research used to involve because they’ve always been able to look things up.  But when you’re doing research into government hearings in the 70’s, there’s very little online and plenty in library basements.

And if you want to find anything in that realm of dust, poor lighting, and cracking book spines… you better know a Queen of Pentacles.

Queen of Pentacles

journaling

I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned– over the last few years I’ve lost my voice, lost access to my voice. I used to journal and write stories, but ever since the end of my marriage I’ve been unable to write. There were a few years where I didn’t even write down a list of things I needed to do, or a shopping list!– I made a list one day and realized I hadn’t done it for years.

Also, I find it difficult to sing, but that’s another issue. Maybe?  My voice… huh…

What I’m getting at is, last night I finally spent some time with my new Shadowscapes Tarot. I bought it maybe a month ago, but the art is so fine and small on the cards that I had trouble concentrating on it. I had never even shuffled the cards. But last night I just went for it.  I curled up with a notepad and pencil and I ended up spending a lot of time writing and going through spreads.

Oh and, I have had trouble with spreads in the past because a) I don’t have space for it, b) it’s just too much; I’m overwhelmed. But I decided to just go one card at a time, and it worked great.

A funny thing happened, too, where I finished the deck interview and then turned to the next page, and there was a question I don’t remember writing:

What is the conception of myself that I find publicly necessary to live up to?

What an interesting question! There was no answer on the page, and I don’t remember where I got the question from.

So I drew the next three cards and wrote about it.

(I had decided to just shuffle the fuck outta the deck and then go one by one without fussing with them more; that way I’ll be going through the deck instead of constantly shuffling and getting cards more than once.)

Anyways, I discovered I like writing writing my journaling. I will probably put together blog posts in the future, but I like journaling quietly, private, just for me.

I’m not used to having things just for me.

journaling

two questions, four cards

I’m finding I like two-card draws, and I have a question, so here we go.

Why does marriage keep coming up today?  (Once at work, “Emily, you’ll want to get married one day…” and two old friends recently getting married.)

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The Tower, Page of Cups

I’ve been thinking about how the Tower reminds me of my experience being married (spoiler: not a good experience), and lately I’ve been able to detach from the subject, which is new.  I used to have a big mess of feelings about marriage and could barely stand to even see photos of a wedding, even a stranger’s.  The Page of Cups is me, starting over, learning to be myself while getting back in touch with the “me” I remember myself as.

What can I learn from this?

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Seven of Cups, Queen of Pentacles

Seven of Cups is indecision and hesitating, afraid to make the wrong choice.  The Queen of Pentacles is a supremely content woman, secure and contemplative.  It’s being stuck on the journey, and also completing the journey.  The pair together tells me that no matter my fears and no matter my past, I can have faith in myself; I’m a new person already and I’m not only defined by who I used to be.  Don’t ignore my present self for my future goals.

It reminds me of something Pema Chödrön said in “The wisdom of no escape” ; something like, “self-improvement is a sort of violence against yourself.”  Maybe just stop freaking out about the best way to go forward, and just sit and be still.  You already exist.

two questions, four cards

How I’m feeling and what comes next

I offered a few readings with my new deck, and so I was starting to do them, but felt a little strange about it.  I didn’t like the feeling of doing a reading for someone else.  Then I decided that was silly and I talked myself out of it. Then I couldn’t quite whether I should go by my first reaction, or the second.

Here’s a bright idea, I’ll read myself some cards.  But you can sit your ass down, Mystic Meg.

How am I feeling?

What to do next?

Check this shit out.

what next

LOLOLOL

I feel powerful but DUDE DON’T DO IT.

Also known as “Hey guys! Watch this!”

Oh my lordypants.  Tarot is pretty fun.

How I’m feeling and what comes next

this week

Let’s do a super simple “this week” reading!

Todays theme will be “this week in bitchery”.

Four of Swords: BITCH RELAX

Ace of Swords: BITCH GET TO WORK

The Hanged Man: Fate got you here, and maybe it’s sorta lame, but you can still be a bitchin rock star

Sharpen your swords.  The wheel will turn.  Be ready.

this week

one card: most important thing

I’ve been brainstorming a daytrip to LA, so let’s pull a card or three for most important things.

Most important thing when planning: Three of Wands.

Nice.  If this isn’t a card for planning a trip, I don’t know what is.  This is telling me to take the long view; don’t decide on all the details just yet.  Stand back and survey all the options.

Most important thing when I actually go: Ten of Wands.

This card shows success, but unintended consequences.  This is reminding me that I’m going on a trip for fun, god damn it, so don’t take it too seriously.

Most important thing to get out of this trip: King of Swords.

Fuck yeah, master of air.  Air is my element, and one of the meanings it has for me is travel.  It’s important to me that I be comfortable traveling alone.  I don’t do that as much as I’d like to.

Wand-Wand-Sword suggests that if I put my creativity and excitement into this, I will get what I want out of it.

one card: most important thing